Losing It

It hasn’t been a good week. Not good at all.

I’ve worked very hard to set the stage for my future, but not only for me – for my girlfriend and for my daughter, too. Now, I’ve lost my girlfriend. She can’t see me for what I am or maybe she sees what I am and I don’t – I don’t know because there’s no way to talk to her about it. We had a bad phone conversation the other night and it seems that she just won’t hear it and there’s nothing I can do about it.

So, short of following her around and losing my freedom and then, my daughter, I need to remain silent and grieve. In my mind, I was preparing the nest and we were going to go forward. She told me what she wanted and I thought carefully about how to achieve that. She was willing to compromise so that I could be near my daughter since she, too, is a devoted parent and was willing to make sacrifices so that this could happen for me. And, I loved her all the more for it.

But now, she’s gone in the most absolute way. I can’t argue with her or discuss how I feel or how she said she felt because by her decision, it’s irrelevant. So, all the plans I had and all that we talked about, the expressions of love, of distrust, comradeship and fear are all equally tossed away. She mostly paid the price for my “situation” and I knew it and always felt horrible about it but I worked to get to the point where I am now . . . ready, willing, able to live a full life with he, to magnify my commitment to her. Instead, there’s nothing but a broad, empty place where she should be standing.

I told her that I would do anything for her and that’s what I set out to do. I guess I just took too long in doing it and adding that to my, let’s say’ very unique personality, made for a recipe that she ultimately found unpalatable.

On some level, I salute her for having the presence of mind to simply tell me to get lost. On the other hand, it was juvenile and stupid since we weathered much and she in particular compromised much, to get to this point. So, I’m hurt and disappointed.

I miss her very much. Obviously, I have no choice but to get over it. But it’s wrong and unfair and it hurts very very much and I miss her and I want to be with her but she is, for all purposes, dead. So, like my Mom, I go to pick up the phone but I know I can’t call her.

So, what do I do now? What’s the point? I have a job, but I have no friends, no family except for my daughter. I haven’t done anything creative to completion in I don’t know how long and I don’t want to. I have to move week after next – by myself. Whatever plans I so carefully made are void. I’ve lost it all.