I’m Ba-aaack!
Jesus returned to Earth, as prophesized, and he was ready to assess what the hell was going on. He called a meeting at the U.N. upon his arrival, choosing that venue only because he prefers NY hotels.
He stepped to the podium, shorter than most expected, somewhat swarthy and looking more than a little annoyed. “Okay, everybody . . . thanks for showing up. I’m going to try to keep this short, I mean, relative to Eternity and all . . .” Nervous chuckles rose up from the assembly. “Okay, look: I’ve been busy checking out human progress in the last few thou, and I want to hear it from you all – what the hell is going on here?” More nervous laughter billowed across the gather as the interpreters caught up to the speaker. “Well?” WELL?” Jesus needed no microphone at the podium – he could be heard loud and clear in every corner of the chamber. “Who here speaks for mankind?”
The U.S. Ambassador stood up hesitantly and addressed Jesus. “Well, sir, I . . . I don’t speak for all mankind, but I speak for the most Christian country in the world and . . . and . . ” Jesus cuts him off at that hesitation. “Look, fine, thanks for the likes and follows, but this isn’t about me or any other cult. I want to understand what is going on here so I can unfuck it – pronto. Got it?” He surveyed the room patiently waiting for someone to pipe up. You could hear a communion wafer drop, survivors would later say.
He sighed. “Okey dokes. This is what I want – no, this is what I need. I need you guys and gals to talk amongst yourselves and pick seven representatives, okay? Seven – not six, not eight and yes, I know the joke. These people are going to meet with me and explain what is happening here so that we can fix it, so, please, PLEASE choose honest people that won’t be wasting time, okay? If you don’t know what an honest person is, then, well, I don’t really know what to say except that’s your problem. I’m going to emphasize this, though: don’t, that is, DO NOT WASTE TIME or obfuscate or argue your case or whatever! You have until tomorrow morning to get this done and DO NOT FAIL ME. Clear?”
Mumbled ascent reverberated through the room. Jesus continued, “Good. I understand this is all a bit much to absorb, but that’s life. Do what you have to do to get this done. I’ll be at the Sofitel. Gabe here is my number one and he’ll be handling any questions you might have, but my advice is . . . don’t have any questions. We good?” The group nodded in virtual unison. The translators had stopped working as each member heard everything Jesus has just said in their native tongues, somehow. Jesus gestured to his apparently angelic staff and exited the room, stage left. A Lincoln was waiting for him and Gabriel at the service entrance. The rest of his entourage piled into two black Escalades that had pulled in behind, and off to 44th Street they went. Thank God for Uber.
Gabriel turned to Jesus as the town slid by and offered, “That went well, I think.” Jesus snorted, “Who gives a shit? These people are idiots.” Gabriel looked down. “I think you’re stressed from the interdimensional jump . . . Why Sofitel, though? It’s not like it’s the Waldorf.” Jesus snapped, “So, what? It’s not enough that I’m the Son of God, I have to project power by staying in a fancy hotel. Gimme a break, please, G.” Gabriel patted him on the shoulder and said, “Hey, look, it’s been a long day.” Jesus seemed to relax a bit. “I’m sorry for adding to it. You’ll take a long bath, turn some water into wine,” which drew a small smile from J, “and just relax. Tomorrow, you’ll be fresh – yes?” “Hhnhm.” Jesus grumbled in acquiescence. The Sofitel was just across 5th, after the next light.