Honesty IS The Best Fallacy – Ur, Policy
Are you worried about weight gain? Has your spouse “bulked up” in a non-ripped way since you “hooked up?” Thinking about ordering a month’s supply of Faticore for your spouse’s birthday, for Christmas or President’s Day? You might want to belay that order until you consider some non-drug, communication-rich approaches I have set out for you here.
It’s best to be honest and completely forthright about what you want to communicate, without hedging and without being cruel or emphasizing any one angle, Your spouse isn’t stupid – he or she will get the message and then decide what, if anything, to do about it. After all, if you weren’t in a committed relationship, he or she might just say “Buzz off!” and you’d have to take it or leave it. The same is true in this case: be prepared to stand by your honesty. Your conversation might go a little like this:
Spouse 1: “Honey, do you have a few minutes to talk about something?”
Spouse 2: “Sure: what’s up?”
S1: “I want you to know that I love you and that I know I can trust you to listen openly to me when I try to express myself honestly.”
S2: (warily) “Yeah – and?”
S1: “Well, not to build it up into a big deal, I just wanted to mention that I’m concerned about my feelings about your weight.”
S2: “So, you’re saying I’m fat?”
S1: “No, that’s not it. I’m saying that you are who you are but I’m having a bit of trouble with the weight you are now.”
S2: “Well, dickhead, you smell bad. And your paycheck’s a joke!”
S1: “Wait a minute, just listen to me. This doesn’t change anything in our relationship except that I’m airing something that’s my essentially my problem. I appreciate all you mean to me and all you do. This is a minor thing I wanted to express, that’s all.”
S2: (leaping from the dining room table, rushes to the kitchen) (SFX: pots crashing, clanging)(S2 rushes out with an iron skillet) “Yeah, well express this you stinky-ass mofo: swing batta batta batta . . .” (S2 swings and connects, splattering blood on the damask tablecloth.
S1: “Oh . . . my . . . god . . . help . . . are you insane . . . .”
S2: (delivers final, mortal blow to S1) “I’ll give you fat, you fat bastid.” (drops skillet to the floor) (SFX: skillet clanks)
S1: silence, due to death
There you go. Surely you can see the possibilities here.
What works for me is this: Hey – she’s gained forty pounds over ten years of marriage: cool, that’s 4 pounds a year. If I expect her to age and lose that weight, lifestyle changes, i.e., drink two less beers a week and do nothing else, she’ll get there in five years AND it will stay off. Her motivation? She’s not getting any younger and every small advantage adds up to Mrs. Robinson-like appeal. Plus, I took a year to get fit, at least from an appearance standpoint, and sure enough, the sense of competition has her walking daily and generally being more active. Influence through right-living, I guess.
If she made no changes, all I’d have to do is simply decide to live with it or not. Very simple. The logistics or running away would be less than easy, but so what? I wouldn’t be making her life a misery as a contant reminder of my use of the “F” word (Fat) around her for time distant and I wouldn’t have to watch her waddle to the couch with a re-upped supply of Cheetos and Schmidt’s.
If she made changes, I’d be wise to do even better with my fitness program because I’m not well-endowed enough (okay – at all) to compete with the potential a super hot babe who’s also your spouse brings to the table. Best get those six-packs a-ripplin’
As Swami Reprimanda once said, “It is better to be fat and happy than to be fat and addicted to products containing Olestra.”
Amen to that, brother.