Dog Pee

My brilliant little dog is peeing all over the house. It’s ridiculous. I take her for a run in the yard and she promptly squats on entry to the nice, warm abode. God. She has also chewed up lipstick (not mine), remotes, fireplace logs, a pound of chocolate, Christmas cookies, nine empty milk bottles, one full one, the plastic rings from around the milk bottle tops, which pisses the white cat off since that used to be her favorite toy with which she would play fetch (yes, a cat that plays fetch) a glove, a DVD, some acoustic sponge rubber foam from my old studio, a camera lens cap – shit, this is starting to sound like an I Spy list. Does she chew on chew toys? NAAAAH!

It’s a bad sign when the only mammal chewing on your undies is a dog. Secondly, it’s your fault. You should have folded and put them away, post haste. Dogs have an uncanny ability to become fixated on odoriferous items that humans can only imagine. Plus, he or she is only doing what comes natural-like. Therefore, it is my considered opinion that the dog be rewarded, not turned into an Asian Stir-Fry Delighte.

As they say in French, no one knows shit like a dog. Okay, maybe “they” don’t say that becuase I just made it up, but it seems to represent some kind of primitive prehensile wisdom, so what the hey. Woof.