We De-Liver For You

I’m not sure how human vivisection makes for a good slogn, but, just the same, I’m learned to let certain things go.

Still, being the holiday season, I understand that many folks are shipping inane crap and stale, inedible baked goods to their barely-liked relatives all over the country. After all, if they were truly inseparable, would they not have ever moved away? Anyway, whatev – just let it go.

I decided to add my own complaint to pissedconsumer.com. Here it is, in its unexpurgated version:
I sent a package via Priority Mail from my address to myself, just to see what would happen! Sure enough, the package arrived, but not at my usual delivery time, but with a TOTALLY DIFFERENT delivery person, almost nine whole minutes after my REGULAR DELIVERY! Really? Why not deliver it with the rest of my mail? Why cause me a nearly quarter-hour of anxiety and misery, thinking all the while that my item might NOT BE DELIVERED? Is it because the USPS is cruel and sadistic? YOU decide.

Multiple calls to USPS Customer Service to complain about this mishap yielded only comments like, “Well, ma’am, since your package was delivered, and was delivered on the scheduled date, I’m not sure what other information we can provide, but if you would like to enter a complaint, I can take care of that for you.” Aha! Even the Postal Worker thinks that a COMPLAINT IS JUSTIFIED! I have yet to go down this path but I can assure you, dear reader, that the Postal Service will be forced to reveal the truth of this event!!!

Just because the USPS delivers more than 158 billion pieces of mail each year DOES NOT give them the right to delay my precious cargo. Oh, sure, you can quote probabilities all you want, but, c’mon, what are the odds? Well? WHAT ARE THEY?

This isn’t the first time I’ve had grief with the Postal Service. In 1983, I mailed a letter to my Great Aunt in Millbury, Maine. She was on her deathbed and I wanted to say goodbye. She died the day before the letter arrived. THE DAY BEFORE! Now, she will never know the extent of my angst and this shall remain an open wound for the rest of my life. Does that seem fair? WELL, DOES IT?

My advice to you is to forget about the USPS, UPS, FedEx, DHL or donkey and simply commit to delivering each item by hand. Impossible, you say? If one dons Depends and limits one’s intake of solids and most fluids, following all traffic rules, a trip from LA to Dallas is a mere 19 hours. And that’s how to guarantee delivery.

Right? Right?I