Coulda Shoulda Woulda

If . . . you hadn’t simply decided to throw away a life, my life, with your closed ears and lying heart, then things would be different today, right now. Your decision was unilateral and you blamed me for it. It was your decision, based not on fact but on your own definition of reality. You threw me away like so much lint, without the least thought that tomorrow should have, could have and in fact, would have been different.

You denied the incontrovertible truth about was I was telling you. Why? Because it scared you. Scared you so much that you could bear to listen to the end of my sentences and believe that it might be true. Then you’d be on the hook. Then, you’d have to walk with me. Then, all would be different and you didn’t want it to be. If you did, you wouldn’t have done what you did.

I built my future on your promises and our potential. I gave my heart away. I made career choices and sacrifices that you apparently choose to deny are real. I did all I did and only then, did you throw me away.

Once, you told me you were feeling bad and I said I’d turn around and come to you. No, no – don’t do it, I can’t do that to you, you said. I told you to not be silly, that I was turning around. I reached out, time and again, and you slapped my hand away and that’s your proof that I should have “done something.”

Well, I did plenty. I set the stage, made my peace, accept the changes and then you summarily discarded me. Deleted me without so much as a goodbye.

So, all the time I trusted you, confided in you, relied on you, hoped and prayed with you was just entertainment for you. A toe in the water of real commitment without actually having to make that commitment and then, a savage kick to the curb. So, it was a lie and I was stupid enough, as usual, to believe that manipulation was actually caring, was actually something I could count on, that we were family, that there was forever. Apparently not.

I must say that your timing is impeccable. Just as the confluence of the streams of my suffering came to a head, something new. Interestingly, you never bothered, not once, to see whether I was alive or dead. What kind of human being is that cold? And I’m disappointed terribly that the reality of who you are is undeniable in the light of what you’ve done.

And it doesn’t stop there, does it? You need to get your rocks off at my expense, still. You can’t leave well enough alone, after taking my life and my future away, now you have the audacity to call me a liar? With facts – not my facts, but real, hard truth – shining brightly, telling you that what I told you was consistent and honest all along, from day f*cking one. And now you’re there and I’m here, as invisible as wallpaper.

It should have been different. It would have been much better than you imagined it. It could have been now. It was your choice to make me disappear. It was you who decided to not take the next step, despite all of the facts before you. It was your decision to ignore the truth and my earnestness supported by the facts. You decided to make us unequal, to make me sub-human, not worthy of your consideration. And now, I’m dead to you. Even in that, you get what you want.