Cookware? Cookeware? Cokeware? Cockware?

What is this marketer trying to sell? Pots? Pans? A hot plate? If you order today, as noted in their image, you can take advantage of a free ‘cokware’ offer. But what does that mean?

Big deal, you say. Clearly, this multi-million dollar marketing effort’s web intern failed to enter the requisite character which would have made the word ‘cookware’, but how can we be sure? Perhaps this kitchen gear has something to do with Sam Cooke, the soulful singer who is in Rolling Stone Magazine’s top 100 rock artists of all time? It may be possible that this equipment will turn your scratchy baritone in mellifluous, dulcet tones of R & B not heard since the ’60s, simply by directing your voice into the burnished copper-coloured surface of tools shown above. No?

What if the missing letter is an ‘E’ after the ‘K’ and these tools are meant to aid those involved in the production of coke. And by ‘coke’, I do not mean the fuel source derived from coal nor do I mean to refer to the popular soft-drink, which, as far as I know, is not typically consumed with the tools shown in the ad. Is it possible that these tools could be used to processed crack cocaine? Since that form of coke is ‘cooked’ to become crack, it is not impossible. It’s can’t be, though, that there’s a mass market for this kind of equipment, right? Or am I living in the world of The Wire and is everywhere Baltimore?

There is another possibility, painful to consider, but not outside the realm of reality. After, all – the things people do, right? What if the kit shown in the internet ad is actually Ware For The Cock? Again, I feel I need to clarify my intended relationship of the noun to the object: I do not mean to refer to a male-sexed fowl, but, in fact, to the portion of the male human anatomy involved in reproduction that is referred to in vulgar slang as the ‘cock.’ So, how to use this kit as cockware, then? Handled tools with the flat bottoms for your flat bottom? Fondue skewers could be useful for some more extreme forms of pain play, though I would neither recommend this form of BDSM nor would I care to participate, thank you very much. The metal ring could only be suitable for an elephant’s member, let’s say, so owing to the fact that most folks do not own an elephant or do not have access to same for purposes that might involve manipulation of said mammal’s reproductive organ.  In the interest of science, I had intended to place a video or other image that demonstrates an elephant’s, ahem, junk, but have thought better of it. Instead, you get this:

You’ll have to use your own imagination, do your own YouTube research, or watch PBS’s Sex In The Wild, because I don’t have endless hours to research “elephant penis diagram” or “elephant penis cross-section” to illustrate my point. Okay?

Though it would be possible to fry up a rooster using this stuff, I wouldn’t recommend it. They’re usually pretty tough and gamey.

So, the point of this particular tongue-in-cheek diatribe might be that your orbs might wind up in the fire if you’re not careful to say what you mean, especially from cok heads like me.