Banal Sex

Okay, ladies. Time for a reality check. Here’s the moment to face facts. You like cunnilingus. Don’t deny it. It’s like masturbation, only, you don’t have to do it. And, it’s moister, fluffier than ever! So, why aren’t you getting any?

I had a dubious encounter with a copy of Cosmo while waiting forty-five minutes to get my oil changed on the Honda Accord I call Intrepid Mark III as it’s the third long-haulin‘, ass-savin‘, comfy chair on wheels I’ve owned as compared to the death-teasing American grease buckets and the German wallet-emptiers I’ve had the occasion to own over my thirty some-odd years of driving and owning cars.

I haven’t seen Cosmo for the editorial content in quite some time. As a retoucher, I’ve seen the ads that go into that paper monstrosity, but I’ve not look at the “articles” since I was in my twenties. It seems that times have changed, but not really.

This issue was chock full of sex advice that was quite racy. How to do this for your man and how to get him to feel that. How to ride the waves of the Big O and so forth. I think I might have sensed the beginnings of a woody, in fact, and I don’t mean the cool wood-sided cars of the late fifties popular with the West Coast Surf Crowd, either. What struck me was how focused the material was on getting the dude off without making much mention of getting the woman to the higher plane of off-ness. In other words, it was more like reading an issue of Concubine Today than anything else. But I was getting my oil changed at a dealership, no less. What did you expect me to be doing? There’s only so much flavoured coffee one can drink.

I was thinking in context of my daughter, now 14, and how the f*cking establishment culture seemed to STILL think that a women’s place is at the mall and in the bedroom, trying to keep her man and get him off. It’s pretty disgusting, actually. Now, don’t get me wrong: I like to get off as much as the next guy, but I’m not interested in bedroom inequality. That’s a major turn-off for me. And I would NOT want my daughter to think that sex makes for roles of submission and dominance in or out of the bedroom. So, Cosmo can blow me. I mean, really, talk about career moms in one article and provide blow-by-blow instructions on how to keep that hot man in your life by delivering the ultimate hand-job? Really? Are men that narrow in their need structure? Are women only supposed to tally my abs and my ATM card? Yuck. Double-yuck.

But (that’s the most powerful word in the English language, by the way, as it changes everything) there is one thing . . . pubes. No, I can’t speak for other guys, but I know the trend seems to be, in popular media and in Hollyrude, to be as hairless as a new-born rat. No chest or leg hair, fer sure. Back hair? OMG, no! And Gonad Central? The smoother, the better.

Now, we all get hairier as we get older. Some of us more so than others. But as any porn aficionado will tell you, bare bumps are in, baby! Pubic hair serves a practical function, in case you were wondering. It’s a sort of a slip-sheet between those who are knocking boots, avoiding skin irritation and such. It also protects all those little nooks and crannies from debris and vermin, even. Ew. Okay, so, why make it go bye-bye? One good reason! Tongue sex!

Ya see, us guys have a hard enough time as it is finding the Man In The Boat. Having to tongue-machete our way to him is yet one more impediment to the satisfaction of the sucking reflex. I believe that given a clear path, the reduction of the hazard of choking on stray pussy camo and the nice, smooth polish of a nearly chrome-plated labia dazzling with a spit shine is motivation for most guys to chow down, unless they’re just plain lazy or the experience makes ’em want to call out, “The shrimp boats are comin‘!” That’s another issue, but let’s move on.

Bobbie Flay, the Iron Chef and gustatory gazillionaire will tell you that the difference between a Big Mac(TM) and a $70 hamburger at his joint is mostly presentation. I agree. The experience is not to be trifled with and, if handled correctly, can be enticing enough to be repeated, without coaxing, no less. That sounds pretty good, right Ladies? So, one thing you can do to make this happen is to beat back that JuJu Jungle! How? Don’t shave. Let me tell you, there’s something about stubble that makes me think I’m giving Rod Stewart mouth-to-mouth. This is your Package, girls, treat it like the main attraction it is – WAX! Oh, I know you’re saying, ew, that hurts, I’m embarrassed, wah, wah, wah, but if I can do it with my manly wiring, so can you. Don’t be a pussy about your pussy. It’s worth it’s weight in wet, so to speak.

Better yet, if your guy is into it and a bit of a straight gay guy like me, he may want to help you wax! Since you’ll probably not be in the mood after yanking out 100,000 hairs, it’s a sure way to heighten anticipation. And if you just won’t do it because you feel that crabs are an endangered species and should not have their home destroyed, get a good-quality trimmer with a safety head and bang back that bush to the length of Justin Timberline’s ‘do. That’s the least you should be doing if you like The Mouth Wash. This is definitely one area where less is more and the imagination should not have to resort to mystery or the blanks may wind up filled with NASCAR standings.

I’m not going to let guys off the hook here, either. Good lord, fellas, you’re looking short and stout as it is, burn back the brush so that your spout can stand out! How attractive do you think it is to be sporting an afro in your boxers? No, it’s not faggoty. It’s hip and will be letting your girl (woman, female, f*ck-buddy) know that you care about the presentation of your privates. Good groomin’ and broomin’ is an essential social grace, don’t you know.

If you’re not sure whether you’re doing it right, please send me pictures and I’ll post them here in an effort to discuss the good, the bad and the oh-so-hairy. In the meantime, I hear Rite-Aid is having a sale on Sally Hansen wax removal products. You can always pluck before you . . . oh, well, you get it. Now, just do it!