Pret a Parter – (Frog-Speakers Will Get This)

I have to admit that I’m not a big fan of lingerie. My great-uncle used to own Maidenform, though – useless fact, I guess. I know that women seem to like that stuff and I do appreciate well-made foundation garments – not to wear, silly, to look at. In fact, considering the materials and engineering, it’s pretty amazing at what can be done. But, for whatever reason, a turn-on it’s not. Sorry. Saran wrap can be interesting and it comes in colors. Wear too much of it, though, and you’ll die. Whoops.

Stockings don’t do anything for me, either, except when part of an ensemble. I always liked Dior‘s work with stockings – very innovative, but, I would hardly ever see them anywhere other than a Milan runway. Oddly, Dior doesn’t seem to think stockings very fashionable anymore as there seems to be neither singles nor pairs available for viewing at dior.com.

Crap – I may be gay after all.

Lycra is pretty interesting if passe at this point. Danskins used to be a pet fetish of mine in tween-hood. Oh, well.

Just in case you don’t have enough junk in your trunk, you can try a pair (why are undies called a pair, anyway?) of so-called Brazilian Boom! padded panties. As seen on “Tyra.” They’re a whopping $58. Think of how many milkshakes that’ll buy you. On the other hand, gravity has been extremely cruel to my gluteous maximus so much so that they are more de minimus. I’m afraid to wear shorts in a strong wind in case I should hear a passer-by say “What the hell is that flapping sound? Sounds like a wet phonebook slapping raw liver.” Yeah – that wouldn’t be too good.